Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Dieter's Prayer

Found this in a nutrition/diet book that I was checking out on a friend's bookshelf.

The Dieter's Prayer
Autobiography in five short chapters
Amanda McBroom

Lord, Won't you help me?
It's that time of year.
Winter has come and gone
Springtime is here.
In this season of flesh
Won't you show that you care?
Lord, Won't you heed
This dieter's prayer?

Teach me tonight
to love cottage cheese
grapefruit and celery
Lord, if you please.
Make me believe
that tofu's a food
and not something you made up
when you were in a bad mood.

Lord, Won't you help me?
Show that you care.
Lord, Won't you heed
this dieter's prayer?
Make me believe
That ice cream's just awful,
That the devil is hiding
inside every waffle.
That mayonnaise is nothing
but a communist plot
that broccoli is good for you
and chocolate is not.

Keep me away
from the refrigerator door
when life is a trial
and veggies a bore.
Save me from nachos
and tacos and chips.
For what goes in my mouth
always lands on my hips.
oh pizza, oh pasta
Oh popcorn, oh pork!
Get thee behind me
oh knife and oh fork.
And chicken fried steak
from the depths of the south,
O Lord, if you love me
won't you please shut my mouth?

O Lord, do you hear me?
Honk if you're there.
Lord, won't you heed...
You know my need ...
O, Lord, won't you heed
this dieter's prayer?
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